A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
