matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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