we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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