Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
