apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
