great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Randomize
