I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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