Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
