i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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