I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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