Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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