I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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