I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
