Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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