Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
