Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
