When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
