party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
