i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
