you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
