Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
