and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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