dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
