Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
