i was rollin on her like bob the builder
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
