well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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