never play flip cup with pint glasses
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
