i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
