I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I will die if light touches me.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
