Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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