Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
