it was like eating out sand paper
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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