used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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