I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
