PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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