I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
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You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
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Technically my penis started a fight tonight
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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