I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
