the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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