why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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