what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
