Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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