In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
