If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
