He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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