The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
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I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
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You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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