Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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