I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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