i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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