hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
my being single is dangerous.
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I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
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You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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