I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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