life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
