Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
