I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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