In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
