Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
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