Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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