So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
