she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
